I'm Letting Go

This morning I forgot to set my alarm and I overslept. I found myself dragging my feet while getting everyone ready trying to spend more time with the kids, but alas McLaine can't miss too much summer school and Beckett has to be dropped off by 9. I'm enjoying my new schedule working days, having a weekend, and being the one to tuck my kids in every night. However, I find myself missing them throughout the day. By the time I go to get them in the evening I'm craving them! So mommy guilt was creeping in this morning telling me that someone else is getting all my children's time and I'm getting the leftovers. Worst of all, vice versa: Something else is getting all of my time and my children are getting the leftovers...

I think it's inherent mom nature that we question ourselves when it comes to the care of our kids. Have I made the right choice moving to this schedule? Am I there for my kids enough? Am I letting someone else raise my kids? Do I let them watch too much TV? Am I less of a mom because we don't do daily homemade arts and crafts like I see on Pinterest? Will my kids suffer because I'm not making a wholly organic, clean eating homemade meal for them every day? I could go on and on, but the biggest source of guilt for me revolves around being a single parent. Will my kids be ok even though they're being raised by me alone without a dad in the picture? I'm just one person, and I try really hard to be everything but that's impossible. Trying to do and be everything burns you out rather quickly.

On the way back from dropping McLaine at school, I was listening to The Joy FM. Susan Merrill (director of iMOM.com) was on the program and they were speaking specifically about mommy guilt. (I love how God speaks to us with exactly what we need to hear in all kinds of different ways.) I was meant to hear this today and I wanted to share it.

Susan said that God places us in the lives we live. He plans this life for us because it's where we are meant to be and what we are meant to be doing. He also gives us each unique callings and talents that we are supposed to use to serve Him. Moms today are pressured by society to serve or cater to our children way more than moms in the past did (which is creating a very entitled generation of kids). Clearly as moms we must care for and nurture our children, but we must not ever forget that we serve God first and our families second. There is always a reason why we are in the place we are and if you are heeding God's call, you're in the right place doing the right thing and God will make up the difference. Let go of the guilt.

In this season of my life, I am a single mother to a child with special needs and a very active toddler doing the very best I can on my own. I was placed into this life for a reason. I don't know that reason, but I trust in God. Switching to a day schedule right now is a step in the direction of heeding a call to work with children, families and special needs. I pray that even though I'm not always there and my house is messy and sometimes dinner is what I threw into the microwave and we don't make homemade crafts much and maybe we watch a little too much TV, that my children feel how enormous my love for them is. When they question that, I pray that God "makes up the difference." I'm letting go of the guilt today.

Making All Things New

From Facebook the day of Beckett's 2nd birthday:

 

"I always said I'd never be one of those parents voicing that often felt sentiment "They're growing up too fast!" Having a child with developmental delays gives you a different perspective on growing up. However, here I am with this 2 year old who is so precocious and no longer a baby at all. He knows all of his letters and numbers 1-10 before his second birthday, and I know how amazing that is because of 4 years of personal research on child development lol. So I take it back. Beckett, you're growing up too fast. I love that you're the sweetest and the smartest of the smart, but I kind of want to put a book on your head and pick you up and go cuddle you in the rocking chair like we did when you were a baby."

 

 

 

I told myself I was going to stick to this blog thing, and I'm already neglecting it. I refuse to abandon it, though. My baby boy turned 2 last week. It is incredible to me to see him growing and developing the way he is. I finally understand what it means to other parents when they say that time is flying by too fast. With McLaine, time seemed to pass so slowly as milestone after milestone was missed until I just stopped actively paying attention to them and accepted our own special timeline. In fact, I actually laugh at every well check up when they ask all the questions about what a typical child her age should be doing. Despite the tiny sting, it is sort of funny to have to be asked questions about something that may never be a reality for your child or is at the least, years away from happening.

 

It seems that I always view Beckett through the lens of the experience of being a mother to his sister. Sometimes I wonder if it's that way with all first born children. Do all parents see their experience with their subsequent children through the lens of the first? Or is it that the uniqueness that is having a child with special needs as your first born just makes you see every step of the journey with a second, typical child differently? Maybe I'll never know the answer to that question and I'm ok with that. I wouldn't be who I am without having become a mother to McLaine and then Beckett. I've said before that Beckett was my healer, and that is true. I was really still in so much grief over the child I thought I'd have with McLaine. When Beckett was born healthy and began to display the tendencies of a typical and then a precocious child, it helped me to feel less broken. Like, maybe it wasn't my fault after all. It may sound ridiculous to anyone who doesn't understand this life, but it's very easy to let self-blame sneak in. Now, I'm able to accept and honor each of my children for exactly who they are. My grief has subsided. Along with that, Beckett was my final little push to gaining a relationship with God. Beckett made our family new, and in turn I was made new through a revitalized relationship with Christ.

 

With all that said, here is my wishlist for my son:

 

Beckett,

 

I pray that I am able to do a fraction of what you've done for me, for you.

 

I pray that one day you will fully be able to feel and realize what an amazing and vital addition you are to this family.

 

I pray that having McLaine as your sister forms you into a man who is both tough and sensitive: Tough enough to stand your ground and take up for those who need it and sensitive enough to always think about how your words and actions may affect those around you.

 

I pray that I am able to keep you on the path of the truest source of happiness in this life and eternity: a relationship with God.

I pray that you don't make the same mistakes I did, but if you do, I hope it turns out as wonderful as it has for me.
 

I pray that one day, despite all that you've hopefully learned and taken away from being a part of this family, that you will set out on your own course and be your own man independent of us as well.

 

I pray that you will know true love, laughter, brotherhood, fatherhood and most of all, that you will just be happy.

 

There is so much to love in this life and I just pray that you will soak it all up.

 

Words can't describe what my heart feels for you, my love. You completed us.

 

Love forever,

Mommy

 

 

Beginnings

There couldn't be a more appropriate time to begin a blog about my life's unexpected journey than now. Yesterday marks 4 years since my life was irrevocably changed. 4 years ago I began my unexpected journey. 4 years ago I saw this precious girl for the very first time.

This adorable, pouty face came into my life and made me a mama 4 years ago. Every year on her birthday, I have a little moment where I stop and reflect on the day she was born. It was such a whirlwind. There are things you expect in a birth. Pain and joy are probably the two most common emotions you are certain you will experience and I definitely did. What you don't expect is a complicated labor, your baby not breathing at birth, feeding issues, and ultimately finding out that your child has special needs. Thus began the search for a diagnosis (which we still don't have), the myriad of doctors, therapists, and specialists visits, and my journey to finding myself and a relationship with God again.

I feel like I can't even put into words what a special little girl I've been entrusted with here on Earth. How did I get chosen to care for an angel? Let alone an angel who needs so much help to fly. I am just so thankful that God never took his eyes off of me even when my eyes were so far off of Him. I would have told you I couldn't do this. I would have said that I'm not strong enough. I would have said "I'm already unexpectedly a single mom, and now this too?" The truth is that all along it wasn't my strength I needed to worry about. I serve an amazing God who gives me the strength I need. Little did I know that this child would teach me the most powerful lessons of my life. I had no idea she would help shape me, mold me and mature me into who I was meant to be. I couldn't have known that she would do far, far more for me than I will ever be able to do for her. She's given me my passion, my purpose, and most importantly, my faith back. I can never repay her, but I sure do plan to spend the rest of my life trying.

Here's to my brave, bold, and beautiful little miracle: McLaine Caroline. Thank you for showing me that grace can be found in the unexpected journey.